Many times, during the separation and divorce process our Family
Law Attorneys are asked, “What can I do to make this less traumatic for my child(ren)?” At Boehmer Law, we recognize and understand
that these changes affect the WHOLE family, especially the children. Here are some helpful tips in helping your
children through your divorce. If you
need a divorce attorney that understands what you are going through, call the
divorce lawyers in St. Charles, MO at 636-896-4020 for a free consultation
appointment.
Every divorce will affect the kids involved
— and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration,
anger, or worry. The most important thing
to remember is how you as the parent act is the greatest influence on how your
children will cope with your family changes.
- The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:
- Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
- Minimize the disruptions to your childrens' daily routines.
- Confine negativity and blame to private therapy sessions or conversations with limited friends outside the home. Never use social media to air your grievances.
- Do not ask your kids to be put in the middle
Breaking
the News
While there is no easy way to break the news, if
possible have both parents there for this conversation. It's important to try
to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you're
going to manage telling your kids so you don't become upset or angry during the
talk.
The discussion should fit the child's age,
maturity, and temperament. But it should always include this message: What
happened is between mom and dad and is not the child's fault. Most
kids will feel they're to blame even after parents have said that they're not.
So it's vital for parents to keep giving this reassurance.
Give kids enough information to prepare them for
the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully
as possible. Remember that kids don't need to know all the reasons behind a
divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It's enough for
them to understand what will change in their daily routine — and, just as
important, what will not.
With younger kids, it's best to keep it simple.
You might say something like: "Mom and dad are going to live in different
houses so they don't fight so much, but we both love you very much."
Older kids and teens may be more in tune with
what parents have been going through, and might have more questions based on
what they've overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.
Handling Kids' Reactions
Reassure your children that you recognize and
care about their feelings, and remind them that all of their upset feelings are
normal and understandable.
Not all kids react right away. Assure them you
can talk when they're ready. Some kids try to please their parents by
acting as if everything is good, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by
denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the change. Sometimes stress
comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their
appetite, behavior or sleep patterns. Make
sure both parents are watching for these kinds of changes so you can
communicate what to keep an eye on.
Typical Questions Kids Ask:
- Who will I live with?
- Where will I go to school?
- Where will each parent live?
- Where will we spend holidays?
- Will I still get to see my friends?
- Can I still do my favorite activities?
Being honest is not always easy when you don't
have all the answers or when kids are feeling scared or guilty about
what's going on. But telling them what they need to know at that moment is
always the right thing to do.
In Part two we will discuss living with the life
changes, what to expect, and practical information to learn when you are going
through this process. If you have any questions
or want one of our divorce attorneys to review your situation please call for a
free consultation at 636-896-4020 today.
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