Helping Kids Cope
It is common and very natural for some kids to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together, even after what a divorce is has been explained to them.
Missing the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your kids will come to accept the new situation. So reassure them that it's OK to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the permanence of your decisions.
Here are some ways to help kids cope with the upset of a divorce:
- Encourage open and truthful conversations. Children need to know that their feelings are important to both their parents and that they'll be taken seriously.
- Help them put their feelings into words. Kids' behavior can often clue you in to their feelings of sadness or anger. Sometimes you or our ex-spouse maybe the “punching bag” for your child’s feelings, so be patient. Be a good listener, even if it's hard or hurtful for you to hear what they have to say.
- Legitimize their feelings. Saying "I know you feel sad now" or "I know it feels lonely without mom here" lets kids know that their feelings are valid. It's important to encourage kids to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.
- Offer support. Let them know you are there for them. Ask them what may help them get through what they are going through. If they cannot verbalize their needs, offer suggestions.
- Get help. Do not be afraid to find a support group, and talk to others who have gone through this. Getting help yourself sets a good example for your kids on how to make a healthy adjustment to this major change. It's very important not to lean on your kids for support. Older kids and those who are eager to please may try to make you feel better by offering a shoulder to cry on. No matter how tempting that is, it's best not to let them be the provider of your emotional support.
Take the high road. Try your best to not resort to blaming or name-calling within earshot of your kids, no matter what the circumstances of the separation. This is especially important where there have been especially hurtful events, like infidelity. Take care to keep letters, e-mails, and text messages in a secure location as kids will be naturally curious if there is a high-conflict situation going on at home. Do not post your grievances on social media.
The Importance of Consistency
Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.Especially during a divorce, kids will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.
Behavioral changes are important to watch out for — any new or changing signs of moodiness; sadness; anxiety; school problems; or difficulties with friends, appetite, and sleep can be signs of a problem. Older kids and teens may be vulnerable to risky behaviors such as alcohol and drug use, skipping school, and defiant acts.
Fighting in Front of the Kids
Although the occasional argument between parents is expected in any family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy burden on a child. Screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make kids feel worried and afraid.Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help couples air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn't harm their children. Though it may be difficult, working together in this way will spare kids the hurt caused by continued bitterness and anger.
In Part three we will discuss new living situations, and parenting under pressure. If you have any questions or want one of our divorce attorneys to review your situation please call for a free consultation at 636-896-4020 today.
No comments:
Post a Comment